Homewreckers

[fern hill]

Morning Glory's story about her father, and the comments of another poster, got me thinking about this.

You ever hear of a man called a 'homewrecker'? Me either.

My mother was divorced in 1960 and we moved to a new neighbourhood. Of course she was the only divor-say in the nabe and was looked upon by all the wives as a potential homewrecker. And by all the husbands as 'easy'. You would not believe the ham-handed advances she had to deal with from husbands.

People never seem to blame the man in a marriage break-up if there is another woman involved. There seems to be the tacit agreement that of course he can't keep it in his pants, so given the opportunity by some hussy, he will stray. Then if she is unscrupulous, she will demand he leave his family and he, being led around by his penis, will obey.

Is it still like that?

[Debra]

I would say looking at the young ones today it may be worse than ever.

Girls are coming to fisticuffs over boys and he is never assigned the blame.

In adult relationships I don't think that much has changed either.

Although there has been "advancement" on the sexual liberation front, it seems more along the lines of ok this helps us get fucked more easily, but when it comes right down to it the word slut is still bandied about.

When the terms slut, whore, etc. start dropping then perhaps we will see some change.

It is an interesting if sickening part of our culture that when a girl/woman is a virgin all protection goes to her, any move toward sexuality is assumed the mans fault.

Once she is no longer a virgin any move to sexuality is assumed her fault.

So societally we seem to keep with the madonna/whore complex.

[skdadl]

And by all the husbands as 'easy'. You would not believe the ham-handed advances she had to deal with from husbands.

Oh, but I would. I was single (although not always partnerless) until I was thirty-nine, and it used to drive me to fury that so many men, men married to my friends, too, refused to read the negative signals I was usually sending out in an attempt to be subtle and polite and kind.

In the last few years I've had cause to remember those days a few times, which is really pretty sickening when you think about it. Luckily, I am at the moment simply radiating anti-social attitude, so I think I'm safe for the time being. The worst offenders from the past who are still around are getting a little doddery, too, so that helps.   :wink:

In the last couple to split that I knew well, it was the wife who left husband for a new guy. I never met the new guy, so I don't know whether I would have thought of him as a 'wrecker." I did empathize a lot with husband, but that was probably because we knew and liked him best anyway. He was simply devastated for a while, partly because it all happened so fast. Within six months, though, he was in a new and very good relationship. I'm not sure that many abandoned wives do recoveries quite that quick.

[Mandos]

I heard that after a divorce men are more likely to commit suicide but also more likely to get married again.  Don't have a source, I just vaguely remember that.  Perhaps they're more likely to commit suicide if they don't get married again?  I'm not sure that it's that men recover from divorce more easily---getting married again is likely a coping strategy.

[Holly Stick]

I remember years ago a counsellor talking about a comfort triangle or some such thing:  Where husband is having problems with wife he turns to his mistress for comfort, then when he has problems with her, he turns to wife for comfort; and wife and mistress blame each other but never him.  I forget the details, I imagine it would work with a woman and two men as well.  The comforted one is the most skilled at playing the innocent victim.

[Toedancer]

The young women in my daughters set; some  like her won't settle for anything less than total respect and equality; others are already 'doormats', co-dependent. The co-dependents were always the friendliest and she misread them, as they eventually became dependent on her as well. So I saw she drifted, so that other than a very few gf's, most of her friends are all young men. The co-dependents now have babies and are alone.

Perhaps the mothers play a role in this, I dunno. But it was me who was always the leavee.

After 15 years of being divorced from daughters father, it had already become apparent that the mutual friends sided with the father ( I believe this was for economic reasons ) but what was a hoot, was accidentally meeting up with some of the women (wives) of the old gang and hearing the myths that surrounded me. I corrected all of that, much to their shock. Because I was having an affair at 40 with a 28 year old young man, I was labelled as well. What they didn't know was 'we' had a mutual agreement that we were already separated, but it took a year living together to work out the details with a separation counsellor for little T.

I think the men who suicide after divorce are heavily co-dependent, just my opinion. Co-dependents know no gender boundaries. The word slut from what I am exposed to is usually used in a humorous way, and it is used for both men and women.

I believe Michael Douglas sorta, kinda branded Brad Pitt as a 'homewrecker', even if it was his own home he was wrecking.

[deBeauxOs]

Interesting thread, especially since I finally watched a film that feminists have been raving about ever since it was released in 1998, Dangerous Beauty. An intelligent, powerful and beautiful film, based on a real historical figure - Veronica Franco.  The centuries-old struggle between the mother/wife and mistress/whore polarization of women's attributes, is turned on its head.

Toedancer wrote

... I believe Michael Douglas sorta, kinda branded Brad Pitt as a 'homewrecker', even if it was his own home he was wrecking.

If so, that demonstrates a tiny shift, a recognition that Angelina is a force to reckon with, and on her to-do agenda, "give lover/bf ultimatum to leave wife" is way, way, way down at the bottom of her list.

[vmichel]

Is it still like that?

I see it among teenagers for sure. The boy is a macho stud for moving in on someone else's girl, but the girl is pure evil if she moves in on someone else's boy. I chalk it up to immaturity.

Among my own peers, I don't see it. I see men and women assigned pretty equal blame in cases of affairs, etc. I don't see men getting a free ride at all.

[fern hill]

Something else that occurs to me: It seems that among people I know, women are more likely to leave a relationship without a new partner lined up, whereas men will hang on until they're booted or do have a new one lined up.

I wonder how one would go about finding out if more men than women leave for another partner? In other words, maybe 'homewrecker' is applied more often to women, because there more often is another women than another man?