receiving harsh criticism, how to

[BlueGrey]

I made an error in judgement on Sunday evening, which had minor implications for Monday morning which was a very special day.  A well-intentioned (I think) acquaintance addressed this with me on Monday and then called me on Tuesday (yesterday) to reconfirm that I had erred (which I readily acknowledged) and to tell me that I should be ashamed of myself.  I am ashamed of myself.  Profoundly.  But I apologized to all parties involved, made a personal commitment to never, ever, ever do it again and made logical plans to rectify the problem in the future INSOFAR AS I CAN because the past is the past, eh?  So let's move on.  There is nothing else I can do about it.  

I don't want this woman to be my friend anymore.  She is harsh, critical, judgemental and abrupt.  She also has some good qualities.  She is smart, funny and generous.  But she can't be my friend.  Because she was mean to me.  Honestly, I haven't been dressed down like that in quite some time.  I stayed in bed in my pajamas and wept.  I ruminated on what a total piece of shit of a human being I was and wondered how I could ever become a valuable member of the human race.  

Then I told my husband and a few friends what had happened.  They all thought it was hilariously funny.  Because my sin wasn't really a sin.  It was all in this woman's head.  She was just plain wrong.  I think they thought it was funny because it didn't happen to them, no.  It happened to me.  I have trouble taking criticism anyway but unfair, brutally delivered criticism is the worst.  I became physically ill from this criticism.  Did you know that?  Did you know words can wound?  Pen mightier than the sword and all that?

Jesus Murphy.  I'm not answering the phone anymore.

[Debra]

Betrayal, or what you feel is betrayal, by a friend is one the worst hurts.

[BlueGrey]

Betrayal, or what you feel is betrayal, by a friend is one the worst hurts.

Yes, it is.  But it came from a good place.  She wasn't trying to hurt me.  She likely doesn't even know how much she hurt me.  She is just concerned about me and is trying to correct my moral turpitude (like there's any other kind of turpitude!)

But in response to your quote, Debra, I would like to say that support, or what you feel is support, by a friend is one of the best human feelings there is.

So when my friend says in response "Yah, well, you know, I'm sorry she hurt you but it sounds to me like somebody [aka my accuser] should keep her big, fat nose on her big, fat face" it makes a person feel supported and validated and that things are all right in the world again.  

[The Hegemo]

Some people just don't have well-developed social skills, and will be rude and hurt your feelings without even knowing they're doing it. I'm sure we've all had friends like this. Ultimately, we just have to figure out if the good in them outweighs the insensitive and hurtful and makes it worth maintaining the friendship. If it's a frequent occurrence that your friend says and does things that hurt and upset you, then it may not be worth it, even if you enjoy her company at other times. I've cut people out of my life before because I just was tired of being hurt by them, even when I knew it wasn't intentional. Sometimes you just have to do it for your own peace of mind.

[RP.]

Some people just don't have well-developed social skills, and will be rude and hurt your feelings without even knowing they're doing it.

I often am this person, try as I do not to be.

[BlueGrey]

Thanks for your input.  I think she was attempting "tough love" and she thought it was for my own good.  As a former psychiatric patient, I am very fearful of people doing things to me "for my own good."  Unfortunately, I have decided I must let this friendship go (after kind of weighing the good with the bad).  I fear she is deleterious to my emotional health.  I have to look after myself.  

Since nobody asked, I'd like to tell you here what I did that was so awful.  I'll just blurt it out and hope I can still be a participant of this very welcoming and tolerant board.  If anybody wants to comment, please be aware that I know already that I was wrong.  So here goes ...

I am a 40ish year old female and am happily childless.  I have a friend who is a single mother and is happily so.  I've taken rather a shine to her children.  They are both girls, 7 and 11, and like to come over and play with our dogs and read horsey stories.  Well, the oldest one was having a birthday.  Weeks ago, I invited her to spend the day with me.  My plan was to take the early ferry, go to a stable and go trail-riding for a couple of hours, then go have lunch at the A&W, pick up some birthday treats and then take the ferry back home.  

All of these things happened and all of them were a smashing success, in the sense that she was radiating happiness the whole day and told her mother that it was one of the best days of her entire life.  Okay, so far, so good, right?  Here we go ...

Unfortunately, I had too much to drink the night before.  I'm sort of a binge drinker.  I have no problem whatsoever abstaining for weeks, if not months.  However, if I ever have just one (especially if I'm in the sun), then I don't stop until I've had 19 and end up losing my credit card, sleeping in the passenger seat of the car (I never, ever drink and drive) with my foot in a salad.  Well, obviously the credit card thing doesn't happen every time, nor the salad part.  So, really, at my ripe old age, I should probably just remember that alcohol does not agree with me and remember not to do it.  Usually, I do.  Sometimes, I screw up.  I screwed up Sunday night.  I felt like crap Monday morning but I was perfectly sober.  This was the extent of my indiscretion.  I was a little queasy on the ferry.

So, what do you guys think?

[Bacchus]

Your other friends are right. She should keep her big fat nose on her face and not in your business. That was no sin. If there aint projectile vomiting or other signs that point to violent food poisoning or hangover then its not that big a deal. You could easily have been a bit queasy due to other things (like even seasickness) and then the lectuyre would have been totally offensive

Now if it had been your tendency to not capitaliuze the first word in a topic title, well then that would be different

[BlueGrey]

This thread is about harsh criticism.

I also can't handle gentle criticism.

Any clue why not?  I honestly don't know.

[BlueGrey]

Like, someone asked me (nicely) not to (a) break the law and (b) betray her confidence.

Hell, I don't know if that even IS criticism.  Anyone?

Might be classified under "legal advice followed by gentle reminder to do unto others as you would have done unto you."

Interviewer:  So, BlueGrey, would YOU want your PMs published?  
BlueGrey:  No, thanks.
Interviewer:  Yeah, well, prolly best that you don't do that to other people then, eh?

I'm DYING here I'm so embarrassed.  I am fundamentally good person.  I have positive attributes which sometimes I don't express very well.

[peppermint]

BG, hang in there, we all have slip ups from time to time.  Smooth what ruffled feathers you can, collect your slightly dented dignity and try to just move on from there, knowing that it can't always be your turn to  make a mistake.

[BlueGrey]

BG, hang in there, we all have slip ups from time to time.  Smooth what ruffled feathers you can, collect your slightly dented dignity and try to just move on from there, knowing that it can't always be your turn to  make a mistake.

What does this mean?

I don't understand.

[skdadl]

BlueGrey, I think that you need a rest. About 24 hours, maybe. Everyone here empathizes, and we're hoping that you have someone to talk to. Some of us know how hard it is to find that person, but we're hoping for you.

[Webkinz]

BlueGrey, I think that you need a rest. About 24 hours, maybe. Everyone here empathizes, and we're hoping that you have someone to talk to. Some of us know how hard it is to find that person, but we're hoping for you.

I agree with skdadl, BlueGrey.

You found your person.  Everything you need is between your ears.  You can do this but you have to be strong and brave to be a psychiatric assault survivor.  Anyone offended by my use of the word "survivor" should be aware that people die as a result of psychiatric intervention.  Remember that Polish guy at the Vancouver airport?  Was he worse off or better off when the cops arrived?  I have strong feelings about Tazer use on terrified, English-impaired, jet lagged immigrants.  I know here at breadnroses that I am not alone in this heretical belief.

[BlueGrey]

Checking in.  Doing okay.  Not well but okay.  My afternoon plan is as follows:

lunch
nap
shower
doggie walking
nice dinner
be in bed by 8:00

I tried to wake up from a bad dream and it was all true.  Why did you ban Webkinz?  I merely invented her to approach skdadl.  (Don't take anything too seriously.  I am quite aware that BG&W are one person.  Because I'm autistic or bipolar or schizoaffective something which we'll call my delicate condition).

Lunch is ready.  Husband needs to see me eat.  I may have to have a beer. If so, my limit is 2.  I'm going to practice moderation..