Author Topic: Communication  (Read 9546 times)

deBeauxOs

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Communication
« on: June 28, 2008, 01:28:40 PM »
As some of you may have noticed, I have not been posting much in the threads here.  There are reasons for that, and one exchange in particular in the Memorials thread was the tipping point, or the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Instead, I have been visiting and reading more bloggers, and leaving comments in response to some of the excellent and entertaining writing that I have encountered.

This week I received a chatty email which did not address the reasons for my absence at B’n’R but only irritated me further.  Especially since my screen name was bandied about for some obscure reason, as though I had participated in the preparation of that newsletter.

When I left Babble, I did so quietly and in solidarity with many others who disagreed with a staffing decision that Rabble management made.

When I left eM, my departure was more of a performance piece, which seemed appropriate, given the confrontational behaviours, including my own, that preceded my self-banning.

Well, I don’t have the capacity to exercise that option here.  So perhaps someone else will ban me, and make all my posts disappear as well.

Over the last two years, I've noticed a phenomenon here, at B’n’R that ressembles a development that occurs in many relationships.  First the honeymoon phase, where everything is magical and appealing.  Then the cooling-off phase, when we started really noticing irksome and annoying characteristics in other members.  Most were handled with good humour; for example, the perennial propensity for drifting that some of us have.

Small confrontations started happening, with judgmental and hurtful language being deployed to maximum effect.  Few apologized.  Yet it would have been easy to do so, since there was still - back then - good will and a desire to let bygones be bygones.  I sensed that to challenge anyone on the basis on their communication choices, and the effect that they had, was not allowed. The standard "When you say _ _ _ _ _, I feel  _ _ _ _ _" which can be useful to defuse sticky situations should have been part of the a standard operating mode. Slowly colours faded and gradually the board became black-and-white; disagreements quickly escalated and most positions were reduced to basic for or against perspectives.

When a real-life confrontation occurred some of the details were known and the whole thing was ultimately swept under the carpet. Sides were drawn and anyone able to find empathy with both parties that were hurt by that particular event was suspicious.  More of the same-old same-old posturing: “If you’re not for me you’re against me.”

If the tone of posts takes on a dismissive edge, if individuals are unwilling to take responsibility for the effect their words have, the atmosphere sours. So I wonder: why should I bother saying anything of substance that could elicit an off-topic churlish comment?  Why should I bother sharing personal information?  And if the only “safe” comments are those that are shallow and/or jokey, what’s the point of coming here anymore?

Debra

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2008, 02:12:31 PM »
one small joke buried at the bottom is bandying your name about, interesting take.

And if you want to drag everyone through a situation that really isn't anyone's business go ahead. I didn't because I think ALL parties involved have a side they believe and I never thought it fair to take a private issue to a public place and expect members who had no dog in the fight to have it shoved in their faces. But hey if you and they want to put me on trial bark away.

Is this resignation from BP as well?
“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” —  Josephine Hart

fern hill

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2008, 02:29:18 PM »
I should say something because it was me who invoked your name, dBO. I thought we were in the draft phase of a newsletter/xmas letter thingy. I proposed making up some weird and/or ridiculous events to entice drifted-away BnRers to come back. You'll notice that fern hill's removal as moderator is mentioned twice, both my offerings, the second in the section of ridiculous events. I was casting about for a BnR member most unlikely to want to moderate Sports. I threw your name in.

If that was bad, if that offended, I am sorry. It certainly was not meant to be anything but silly.

deBeauxOs

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2008, 02:52:02 PM »
Quote from: Debra
one small joke buried at the bottom is bandying your name about, interesting take.  And if you want to drag everyone through a situation that really isn't anyone's business go ahead. I didn't because I think ALL parties involved have a side they believe and I never thought it fair to take a private issue to a public place and expect members who had no dog in the fight to have it shoved in their faces. But hey if you and they want to put me on trial bark away. Is this resignation from BP as well?
Debra, if you choose to interpret what I attempted to express in the most neutral manner possible that way, then it is your decision to ban me for my words because you own this board.  The situation may have been private, but since much information leading up to it and its conclusion was available for many of us to read, and the fall-out created a chilling effect, I thought that it was necessary to mention how it affected me.

fern hill - of all the people that I went toe-to-toe and nose-to-nose with, you are the one who interacted with me most directly and forthrightly.  None of this passive-aggressive stuff between us, we dealt with our differences.  We got into each other's face and came out of it with more respect for each other, I think.

Debra

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2008, 02:59:02 PM »
Is this supposed to be in the posting drunk thread?

First you ask to banned and now you want to make it about me.

I am leaving this to the other mods.
“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” —  Josephine Hart

fern hill

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2008, 03:09:44 PM »
Quote from: deBeauxOs
fern hill - of all the people that I went toe-to-toe and nose-to-nose with, you are the one who interacted with me most directly and forthrightly.  None of this passive-aggressive stuff between us, we dealt with our differences.  We got into each other's face and came out of it with more respect for each other, I think.

I'm happy to read that, dBO. I do have a lot of respect for you.

Mandos

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2008, 03:14:10 PM »
I'm glad to report that I never got past the honeymoon stage.  Big hugs all.  I'm sure you can work it out.

skdadl

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2008, 03:18:36 PM »
Well, that wouldn't be me. As I understand it, I'm here to catch spam (three this morning!), and then very occasionally a serious flame-out, one of which we unfortunately saw yesterday and today. (And I hope everyone knows how much it hurt me to do that -- I work similar turf, and I am very susceptible to those arguments.)

But I ain't here to mind nobody's manners unless they are flaming out spectacularly. I thought that was the beauty of this board. I've never seen Debra try to moderate in the way of some other places, and I admire that. We're all different characters; we get to know each other that way. Appreciate; don't appreciate -- up to each of us to gravitate towards or to avoid, but that has worked so well, I think.

anne cameron

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2008, 03:23:02 PM »
Well, sorry, but the crack about posting drunk is just a slight tad too shirty to be left to sit there stinking up the air.

That was a total foul, uncalled for and saying more about the one who wrote it than the one at whom it was chucked.

I'm not gonna flounce and I'm not gonna ban myself and I'm not gonna take sides or pick teams but I'm outta here until I get past feeling I want to explode and vent.

Fern...you've got class, and I think that should be recognized.  Good on ya!

Debra

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2008, 05:41:15 PM »
huh, so the posting under the influence otherwise known as drunk thread has been up since 31 May 2006 and started by dbo.

And you choose today to be offended by it?
“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” —  Josephine Hart

Debra

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2008, 05:50:14 PM »
You know I've had a number of emails from people unable for life reasons to post here much anymore they miss everyone.

So I stand by sending out the newsletter and touching base with those unable to be here.

I find the labels of passive aggressiveness quite interesting. I have stepped back on a number of occasions because I don't want people to feel that their assumptions of me should dissuade them from posting here and interacting with others they do like.

I have also kept a number of life crisis off the board because I don't want anyone to feel hesitant contacting me for help/info etc.

This is not passive aggressiveness in my mind. It is rather an attempt at impartiality in all things, as best as I can.

If anyone else would like to complain about the way I mod/write/breathe/shit please have at it. Might as well get it all out now.
“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” —  Josephine Hart

fern hill

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2008, 06:15:49 PM »
Debra, I think the newsletter was a good idea.

And I think skdadl is right. Hands-off moderation is best. Mostly, we've worked things out. When things don't work out, well, that's capital-L Life, innit?

Gigi

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2008, 06:20:52 PM »
/me runs away to a Pride party, confused as usual.

Toedancer

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #13 on: June 28, 2008, 06:28:18 PM »
It was a good idea, I received the loveliest e-mail this morn because of it, well maybe not cuz of it specifically, but it helped.  :fart
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

anne cameron

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Re: The I-lost-my-temper-today challenge
« Reply #14 on: June 28, 2008, 07:23:13 PM »
I am not offended by the posting-while-drunk thread.  That thread is of no interest to me, and I have probably not visited it.

What I found and still find "objectionable" is the way the reference to that thread was tossed, like a shitbomb.

I don't have a dog in this fight, and I'm not betting on anyone else's dog.  I find the little shirty crack unnecessary, revealing, and inflammatory, and I also find your response to me to be less than I would have expected of you.

But education is always .... interesting.

And now I know more than I did this time yesterday.

It's all good.

 

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