Author Topic: Jokes the first  (Read 182350 times)

Antonia

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #480 on: February 18, 2011, 05:15:37 PM »
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he  knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher
« Last Edit: February 18, 2011, 05:17:28 PM by Antonia »
It is when we all play safe that we create a world of utmost insecurity. It is when we all play safe that fatality will lead us to our doom. It is in the "dark shade of courage" alone that the spell can be broken.
-- Dag Hammarskjöld

Toedancer

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #481 on: February 27, 2011, 02:04:27 PM »
Hee, and I bet that has happened with dif lines too.

At  the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit the  books of a local hospital.

While  the Revenue Canada agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the  hospital and said,

"I  notice you buy a lot of bandages.. What do you do with the end of the  roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good    question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the    bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of    bandages."

"Oh,"  replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had  a practical answer.

But  on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What  about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over  after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah,    yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap    him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the    manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of    plaster."

"I  see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the  know-it-all CFO.
"Well,"  he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the  circumcisions you perform?"

"Here,  too, we do not waste," answered the CFO.

"What    we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Revenue   Canada Office,  and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

I can't fix the font size, sorry.
*fixed font size for you*
« Last Edit: February 27, 2011, 03:33:28 PM by Debra »
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

Croghan27

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #482 on: March 22, 2011, 10:20:37 PM »
   Two Women were chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes.
 
How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour.
 
It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?


Husband 2: Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another fucking hour.
"It is also a good rule not to put overmuch confidence in the observational results that are put forward until they are confirmed by theory." -- Arthur Stanley Eddington

Croghan27

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #483 on: June 26, 2011, 10:56:05 PM »
Quote
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I
must tell you  all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an  elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of
chardonay.
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Quote


 

 
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain
man, was drafted by  the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
issued him a comb. That  afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
his second day, the Army  issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army
dentist yanked seven of his  teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock
strap. The Army has been  looking for Herman for 51 years.

"It is also a good rule not to put overmuch confidence in the observational results that are put forward until they are confirmed by theory." -- Arthur Stanley Eddington

Toedancer

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #484 on: April 12, 2012, 03:02:23 PM »
Next time you use a pair of latex gloves when you're painting or crafting, you're going to smile when you think of this:[/size]A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.'No, I don't,' she replied.'Well, 'he spoofed', 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'She didn't crack a smile.But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.'What's so funny?' he asked.'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'[/color]
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

Toedancer

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #485 on: May 21, 2012, 07:50:29 PM »
Old but still truthy - One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, heasked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept moneyfrom you, I'm doing community service this week.'The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went toopen his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and adozen roses waiting for him at his door.Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, thebarber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing communityservice this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morningwhen the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozendonuts waiting for him at his door.Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went topay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money fromyou. I'm doingcommunity service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happyand left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up,there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a freehaircut. And that, my friends,illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
« Last Edit: May 21, 2012, 07:51:12 PM by Toedancer »
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

 

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