Author Topic: Jokes the first  (Read 183350 times)

Debra

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Jokes the first
« on: May 27, 2006, 07:13:04 PM »
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus'
office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” —  Josephine Hart

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Jokes the first
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2006, 09:37:41 PM »
- What did the zero say to the eight?
- Nice belt.

skdadl

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Jokes the first
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2006, 06:12:04 AM »
Ha! I like that one.  :)

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Jokes the first
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2006, 06:34:08 AM »
It's the only joke I know.

fern hill

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Jokes the first
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2006, 09:27:59 AM »
This is the first joke I got as a kid.

Cop stops a woman driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Lady, didn't you see the arrows?

Lady: What arrows? I didn't even see any Indians.

(Racist and sexist. Ah, the 1950s.)

faith

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« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2006, 03:11:34 PM »
OK -here is a kid joke

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?



- snowballs


this one emailed to me this morning-

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The
pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel. "
just picture it

John_D

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« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2006, 01:36:41 AM »
I am unusually fond of light bulb jokes, so I'll share my favourite of that type.

Q: How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One.

Debra

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Jokes the first
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2006, 07:32:20 AM »
Hee that reminds me of my favorite knock knock joke.

knock knock

who's there?

Why it's me of course!
“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” —  Josephine Hart

Herr Magoo

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Jokes the first
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2006, 09:14:41 AM »
The teacher is describing to her class how humans are the only animal that stutters.    

"That's not true!", blurts out Little Johnny.

"Can you tell us about another animal that stutters?", asked the teacher.

"Sure", said Johnny.  "The other day I was patting a kitty in my yard, and along came a big dog.  The kitty's hairs all stood up and his ears flattened back and he said 'fffffffff!!", "ffffffffff!", 'FFFFFF!!' to the dog, but before he could finish saying 'Fuck off!' the dog ran away!"

And a classic retelling:

A father is watching his little 3 year old daughter playing in the garden, watching two spiders that appear to be mating.

"What's that?", she asks her father.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs spider making babies", he replied.

"And that other spider underneath him must be the Mommy Longlegs then!", declared the girl.

"No", replied the father, "that's a Daddy Longlegs too."

"Well", said the little girl, crushing both spiders under her heel, "that shit might fly in California or New York, but not here in Texas".
ø¤°`°¤ø,¸_¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸_¸,ø¤°°¤ø,¸_¸,ø¤°°¤ø,

deBeauxOs

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« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2006, 09:29:48 AM »
Quote
... "Well", said the little girl, crushing both spiders under her heel, "that shit might fly in California or New York, but not here in Texas".

Oh my.   :shock:  Methinks that little girl will grow up to be the next Ann Coulter.  :twisted:

Debra

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« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2006, 04:44:15 PM »
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in
Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the
first one,
he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

       "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

       "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

       "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

       Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search
continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why yes sir, this is a union house.

       We observe all union rules."

       The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

       "That's more like it!" the union man said.

       He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a
stunningly attractive blonde.


       "I'd like her," he said.

       "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and
according to union rules, she's next."
“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” —  Josephine Hart

'lance

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Jokes the first
« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2006, 07:10:13 PM »
Hee!

This is the only one I can usually remember (old friends can close their eyes, or roll them):

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

It could lead to dancing!

faith

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« Reply #12 on: June 17, 2006, 01:59:37 AM »
I get a lot of jokes emailed to me, but this one made me laugh out loud.


> >>The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
 
> >>she
 
> >>asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your
 
> >>body
 
> >>goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
 
> >>"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when
 
you
 
> >>pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes
 
your
 
> >>hands first." What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
 
> >>
 
> >> Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
 
legs!
 
> >>."
 
> >>The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
 
> >>Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said,
 
> >>"Well,
 
> >>I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her
 
> >>legs
 
> >>straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" "If
 
Dad
 
> >>hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
just picture it

faith

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« Reply #13 on: June 17, 2006, 02:00:01 AM »
double post
just picture it

Nikita

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« Reply #14 on: June 26, 2006, 12:47:41 PM »
[joke removed]

Sorry for any offence, poor choice.

 

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