Author Topic: Jokes the first  (Read 183361 times)

Alison

  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2860
    • View Profile
    • http://creekside1.blogspot.com/
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #450 on: February 26, 2010, 07:36:36 PM »
:applause:

skdadl

  • Global Moderator
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 32874
    • View Profile
    • http://www.pogge.ca
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #451 on: March 07, 2010, 05:19:43 PM »
What gives more milk than a cow?

(Hint: this is an old vaudeville joke.)

Croghan27

  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7694
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #452 on: March 07, 2010, 08:02:34 PM »
Quote from: skdadl
What gives more milk than a cow?

(Hint: this is an old vaudeville joke.)

GEEZE - I am still working on da da da da da da da bing da da da da etc .....  :shock:
"It is also a good rule not to put overmuch confidence in the observational results that are put forward until they are confirmed by theory." -- Arthur Stanley Eddington

skdadl

  • Global Moderator
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 32874
    • View Profile
    • http://www.pogge.ca
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #453 on: March 07, 2010, 08:45:56 PM »
Croggy:

1. Two cows.  :lol:

2. Hint: think zither.

Croghan27

  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7694
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #454 on: March 07, 2010, 10:36:09 PM »
1. Two cows. :lol:

Oh my ..
 :oops:

2. Hint: think zither.

Anton Karas in The Third Man .... (a practically perfect picture)

(Someone asked Alex Karas if he was related one time, so I recall the name ... Alex, of course played for the Detroit Lions for years and also did Mungo on Blazing Saddles.)
"It is also a good rule not to put overmuch confidence in the observational results that are put forward until they are confirmed by theory." -- Arthur Stanley Eddington

deBeauxOs

  • Guest
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #455 on: March 14, 2010, 09:08:27 PM »
Stop me if you've heard/read this one before.  

 :geezera:

The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy . If the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
 
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
 
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
 
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
 
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
 
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
 
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
 
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
 
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
 
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .
 
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
 
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
 
"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
 
"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
 
"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."
 
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
 
"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said.
 
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.
 
"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."
 
"And then what?" asked a woman.
 
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Boom Boom

  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9962
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #456 on: March 15, 2010, 04:55:08 PM »
I know you've all heard this one before but I like it so I'll repeat it anyway. :age:


A Catholic priest, an Anglican priest and a Baptist minister sat next to each other in a plane. After take off, the steward came to them and asked if they wanted a drink. The Catholic said, "Whiskey"; the Anglican said "Scotch and soda, please." The steward asked the Baptist, who said(rather self-righteously), "I'd commit adultery before I'd have a drink." The Anglican thought for a moment, turned to the steward, and said, "Can I change my order?"

skdadl

  • Global Moderator
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 32874
    • View Profile
    • http://www.pogge.ca
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #457 on: March 15, 2010, 05:21:35 PM »
:lol:

Boom Boom, there's an old joke about Baptists and drinking that has to do with how many Baptists are present, but I can't remember now how to tell it. The punchline, o' course, is that if there's only one, he'll drink you dry.

Catchfire

  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 505
    • View Profile
    • http://blindmanwithapistol.wordpress.com
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #458 on: March 15, 2010, 05:35:24 PM »
Two old jokes I came across today:

1. Where was Moses when the candle went out? (No googling!)

2. A man remarks to his newly married friend how beautiful his new bride is. The newlywed responds: "I personally don't like her, but that's a matter of taste."

Boom Boom

  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9962
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #459 on: March 15, 2010, 11:46:19 PM »
Quote from: skdadl
:lol:

Boom Boom, there's an old joke about Baptists and drinking that has to do with how many Baptists are present, but I can't remember now how to tell it. The punchline, o' course, is that if there's only one, he'll drink you dry.

The one I remember is this:

Q: Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

A: Because if you take just one, he'll drink all your beer.

Boom Boom

  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9962
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #460 on: March 15, 2010, 11:52:25 PM »
My favourite Anglican joke

A line of people was formed up at the Pearly Gates, waiting to enter. St. Peter was checking their names off a clipboard. The next man stepped up and said, "Peter, I'm Jewish, can I still get in?"

St. Peter said, "Why, of course. We have a reciprocity agreement. Let me just check your records here . . . Uh oh. You know that BLT sandwich you had last week? The "B" is for bacon, and bacon is pork, and you know you're not allowed to eat pork. Sorry, come back later."

The next man stepped up. "St. Peter, I'm Roman Catholic, surely you'll let me
in." St. Peter says, "Why, of course. Let me just check the documentation here . . . Hmmmm -- you know that Big Mac you ate last Friday. It's Lent, you know -- no meat on Friday. You'll have to come back later."

The next man steps up. "I'm Anglican, I can get in right away, can't I?" St. Peter says, "Naturally! Let me just check this over . . . Uh oh. That vestry dinner last week? You ate your salad with the fish fork."

Alison

  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2860
    • View Profile
    • http://creekside1.blogspot.com/
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #461 on: March 16, 2010, 05:35:56 PM »
:rotfl:  :applause:  :rotfl:  :applause:

deBeauxOs

  • Guest
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #462 on: March 16, 2010, 11:37:54 PM »
Vintage Catskills humour.

Sadie says to her husband, "Moshe, I'm fed up with frozen chicken. Please buy for me a live chicken for a change. Then I can make for us a lovely meal."

So Moshe goes to the market and buys the chicken. On his way back, he sees that Funny Girl is showing at the movies. He calls Sadie on a pay phone. "Sadie," he says, "They're showing Funny Girl at the movies. I think I'll see it before I come home."

"OK," replies Sadie, "but what about the chicken?"

"I'll take it inside with me," Moshe answers.

Moshe stuffs the chicken down his trousers and goes in to see the film. Unfortunately, part way through the movie, the chicken pokes its head out. Two women are sitting next to Moshe and one turns to the other and whispers, "There's a man next to me with his shmeckle hanging out of his pants."

Her friend says, "Why be shocked? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Just watch the movie."

"But this one's different. It's eating my popcorn."


From this blog.

Toedancer

  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13966
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #463 on: March 16, 2010, 11:46:41 PM »
:lol:
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

Caissa

  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2982
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #464 on: March 17, 2010, 09:55:37 AM »
A mother was nervous about her kindergarten son Timmy walking to school by himself and he didn't want his mother to walk with him. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he wouldn't notice her.The neighbour agreed, since she was up early with her toddler anyway, and it would be a good way for them to get some exercise. She started the first day of school and stayed well behind Timmy and his little friend Ellen, who often walked with him.

Ellen noticed the neighbour and her little girl and asked Timmy if he knew them.

"Yeah, I know who they are," said Timmy. "It's Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" insisted Ellen.

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

 

Return To TAT