Author Topic: Jokes the first  (Read 183338 times)

Catchfire

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #465 on: March 17, 2010, 12:44:40 PM »
If these jokes keep going on the way they're going, I'm a gonna find myself in church (or temple, or mass) this Sunday. Someone needs to tell a (non-denominational) sex joke quick!

Caissa

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #466 on: March 17, 2010, 01:11:38 PM »
Got any, Catchfire?

Croghan27

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #467 on: March 18, 2010, 04:58:37 PM »
Not quite sure where it came from, but I began receiving the Borowitzreport about a month ago. I know a lady named Borowitz in Toronto and thought it was a family blog/log from her. But ...nope!

Here is the a sample of what it contains.

March 18, 2010

Quote
Texas Explains Decision on History Textbooks

Official Statement from Texas State Board of Education

AUSTIN, TX (The Borowitz Report) – Attempting to explain its controversial decision to revamp its history textbooks, The Texas State Board of Education issued an official statement today.

The one-sentence statement reads as follows: “If you were the state responsible for George W. Bush being elected President, you’d throw out your history books, too.”

In other news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said it had been difficult to get Republicans to vote for health care because of a “tactical error” by President Obama: “He should have called it ‘gun care.’”
"It is also a good rule not to put overmuch confidence in the observational results that are put forward until they are confirmed by theory." -- Arthur Stanley Eddington

Croghan27

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #468 on: March 28, 2010, 09:23:51 PM »
Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven..

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps..

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.
"It is also a good rule not to put overmuch confidence in the observational results that are put forward until they are confirmed by theory." -- Arthur Stanley Eddington

Croghan27

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Jokes the first
« Reply #469 on: June 20, 2010, 06:14:25 AM »
Siamese Twins in a Bar
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
 
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
 
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
 
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
"It is also a good rule not to put overmuch confidence in the observational results that are put forward until they are confirmed by theory." -- Arthur Stanley Eddington

lagatta

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Jokes the first
« Reply #470 on: June 20, 2010, 07:51:22 AM »
Here's one from World Cup comments at the Guardian:

The English team visited a township orphanage today.
'It is great to put a smile on the faces of people under huge pressure with little hope' said Joseph Mbolo, aged 6.
" Eure \'Ordnung\' ist auf Sand gebaut. Die Revolution wird sich morgen schon \'rasselnd wieder in die Höhe richten\' und zu eurem Schrecken mit Posaunenklang verkünden: \'Ich war, ich bin, ich werde sein!\' "
Rosa Luxemburg

deBeauxOs

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Jokes the first
« Reply #471 on: June 20, 2010, 05:39:43 PM »
:rotfl:  :rotfl:  :rotfl:

Croghan27

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #472 on: November 28, 2010, 11:13:33 AM »
As a government employee I get some inside tracks on government releases ... here is one from health Canada:
 
 
      Please read carefully and apply instructions


cid:_1_07BCDDF0071CF60400536BE3852577BC

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially
dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called
Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of
your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus
will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should
immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes -
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).   
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.  If you do not have five friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.[/t][/t]
"It is also a good rule not to put overmuch confidence in the observational results that are put forward until they are confirmed by theory." -- Arthur Stanley Eddington

skdadl

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #473 on: November 28, 2010, 11:34:54 AM »
 :rotfl

deBeauxOs

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Jokes the first
« Reply #474 on: January 26, 2011, 10:21:53 AM »
There is currently a surfeit of bad jokes in québecois online media and blogs regarding Charest, the Bastarache report and latest developments in the Oil and Gas industry.  The term for shale gas is gaz de schiste so you can imagine the possibilities for bilingual double entendre, puns and contrepèteries.


Someone also contributed the original "Jack Schitt" story which deserves to be posted in this thread.


Quote
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogical research, you can now respond in an intelligent way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married to O. Schitt and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married his sweetheart Noe (Noemi). The strongly religious couple produced six children: Holie, Gheva, Fohla, Buhl, and the twins Deepp and Dipp
.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Eventually, Dip Schitt married Loda, and they had a son with a rather nervous disposition called Chikun.  Holie had a child out of wedlock that she named Duhm.  Her two sisters, Fuhla and Gheva were inseparable friends throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens cousins were Dawg, Byrd, and Horst. Buhl Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his bride, Pisa.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt, son of Buhl

Debra

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #475 on: February 03, 2011, 06:32:04 PM »
I don't usually pay attention to these kinds of things when they hit my email but this one was funny

Stephen the Chicken


    Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilize the pullets' eggs.

    Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

    The farmer's favourite rooster was Stephen, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Stephen’s bell hadn't rung at all!

    Trevor went to investigate.

    The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Stephen had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


    Trevor was so proud of Stephen, he entered him into the London Exhibition and Stephen became an overnight sensation among the judges.


    The Result?

    The judges not only awarded Stephen the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

    Clearly Stephen was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

    Do you know a Politician called Stephen?
“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” —  Josephine Hart

justme

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #476 on: February 04, 2011, 05:54:42 AM »
 :rotfl

skdadl

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #477 on: February 12, 2011, 01:02:50 PM »
God was creating Scotland. He said, 'I'm going to give them stunning mountains, beautiful salmon-filled rivers, and fabulous clean air.''

St Peter said, ''You're being a bit generous to these Scots, God.''

God replied, ''Wait and see the neighbours they're getting !!''

Debra

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #478 on: February 14, 2011, 06:18:19 PM »
A little Valentine\s  humour.

Before sex you help each other undress. After sex you dress yourself.  The moral of the story...

No one helps you once you're fucked!
“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” —  Josephine Hart

Croghan27

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Re: Jokes the first
« Reply #479 on: February 18, 2011, 03:38:08 PM »
Finally the US has gone to a free medical system.
 
 
 
Can't afford your Medical bills?




If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and, if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.
 
"It is also a good rule not to put overmuch confidence in the observational results that are put forward until they are confirmed by theory." -- Arthur Stanley Eddington

 

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