Author Topic: Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed  (Read 49141 times)

Toedancer

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« on: June 28, 2006, 11:29:51 AM »
Had a bad night. Remember so many dreams, struggling etc. Partner said I was crying in sleep, moaning/groaning and since he knows me he  figured I had a mighty problem to solve and was prolly getting blocked by the stupidities of authority figures.

Well I don't know, but I have been mooning about all the day so far. Have accomplished nothing. My thinking is too down, but I feel the need to share it, who knows maybe someone else is feeling this way as well.

I'm sick to death of terrists/coming 'maybe' pandemics/pathological greed of our politicians (thinking of the Nfld. legislature that involves all parties) pathological greed of corporations that pollute/the incredible stress young families are bearing right now/superstorms/sociopaths (killers and rapists) in the streets/the planet having a high fever/ and absolutely no meaningful measures to deal with it all.

I'm sick of the right and left ideological cores. It doesn't work anymore with the present complex realities we live in. The right wing wants to control our moral choices, the left wants to control our social choices. I'm just sensing an underlying and growing rebellion to life 'as it presently exists', as if it's out of control and with outrageous manipulation we are being distracted from the real issues. Even scandal is leaked to keep us distracted.

People are spending their lives productively according to the state, are kept too busy to worry whether our species is even going to survive. But I also sense this 'in the middle of the night thought' pervades thru the minds of all of us through North America. We live in chaos and we are aware of it. Kinda scary really. I'm sick of some Canadians feeling holier-than-thou over Americans, when really there are millions of Americans who feel just sick with the same issues. I'm sick of our (and their) 2 party system. There is just no flexibility, one is more weighted toward the social need, one is more weighted toward economic activities and they seem to be always at odds. Where is the centre? Where are the moderates? The moderates are shamelessly kept out of power. I want to find a moderate to contribute to in some way, to elect. If moderates continue to be shut out, the 'new' power of Canada/U.S. (secret arrests/sting ops/loosening democracy) the new power will only grow.

Right now I wish the left and the right would fall on their fat entitlement asses and people of reason to come forward to fill the void. I just want to be saved the bullshit of another election with no choices.

Rant over. Carry on.
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

Bacchus

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2006, 11:48:54 AM »
Toe, this is a very important question:Do you have a cat? Or, failing that, a Dog?
When you're on your own
When you're at a fork in the road
You don't know which way to go
There's too many signs and arrows
You haven't laughed in a while
When you can't even fake a smile
When you feel ashamed...
The uniform don't make you brave

Nikita

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2006, 11:53:39 AM »
:flowers

I'm sending you hugs and happy positive vibes today Toedancer.  It's a hard life, it's harder when you think that no one is there for you.  But we're here!  :D

skdadl

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2006, 12:06:36 PM »
Toedancer, the night thoughts, I know them too, as I know you know.

The hard part is that they're not wrong. You're not mistaken in what you're observing.

What we have to figure out is how to be aware of these things and yet not be paralysed by so many negative messages. Have I figured out how to do that? No.

A lot of people survive and stay cheerful by not paying attention. You can't do that: you're in a situation that has forced you to learn in depth how some of our systems work, and what you've learned has bothered you. Once that has happened, it is hard to turn the critical intelligence off.

But you do know where your breaks are -- the walks, the music, the art, the ... babbling here.   :wink:

And you know how much you have accomplished, too. That great website, and then the life that you are committed to, however hard it has to be a lot of the time.

Beyond that ... right now, I'm not sure there is a beyond that.  Hugs.  :hug

Toedancer

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2006, 12:08:03 PM »
I have both.  :D  My Aussie is the light of my life. Without her I'd forget how to play. She involves me with everything when she's not herding me. We have alot of adventures together on the river and Shithead follows us as well.

I have alot of distractions B, I promise. I research all the content for our site, write all the content, read IW stories, reply, all the housework, all the cooking, all the budgeting, all the gardening/yardwork, seeing the grandgirls, exploring the countryside, meetings with IW groups, and pray for me, I may be involved in a research study at Trent U.

By Tonight, I won't feel this way; can't figure it out. My biggest treat to look forward to is my daughter is coming up on Tuesday (with the stinky salt, she's going there today and to Organic Butcher) with two of her best chums, who are by all accounts wonderful young men. And the one is a puter webmaster on the side and is going to fix my puter. Thank the goddesses.

We shall fish, swim, barbie, play poker, banter. And I bet I will be right as rain after they leave on Thurs. night. I need an infusion of young people, but not children, young people I can engage with  opinions/ideas of their own.

Possibly I am still suffering from Separation Anxiety when she went to TO for higher education. We were such mates, and yet with all the wisdom of her maternal ancestors she still allowed me to be MOM, with rules. So good of her.  Perhaps I just need the house to be filled with young people hormones and collectively they won't mind if I absorb some. Just a little.

Up and Down and dreams are affecting me. Your so kind to ask.
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

Toedancer

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2006, 12:13:57 PM »
[quotelBut you do know where your breaks are -- the walks, the music, the art, the ... babbling here.   :wink: [/quote]

Thanks all you guys.

Skd, I've done nothing creative in over a month. I can't afford my art supplies anymore and that is just awful for me. I have a couple of ideas.
Thank gawd I purchased the supplies for daughter's not-really-a-hope-chest. The burnt orange velvet is so costly, that will have to wait until August. Which is when I planned to give it to her anyway.

Yeah, your right, once you know how corrupt something specific is, like a dog with a bone, I can't let it go.
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

brebis noire

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« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2006, 12:21:52 PM »
Ever since I really started paying attention, I've been having pretty much all of those thoughts, Toedancer, and the sole reason they don't keep me up all night is the kids. They exhaust and engage all of the energy I don't spend working, and my body and mind simply shut down protectively at night. (I'm sure there's hormones in there somewhere, there always is...) Otherwise I don't know how I would manage. Something is broken, and can we ever get around to fixing it?

Bacchus

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« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2006, 12:29:03 PM »
Well let me know how you like the stinky salt Toe!! And hug the cat and the dog and play with them, it helps see them with innocence sometime.

Sometime the only thing that keeps me going when the darkness closes in is one of my kitties demanding pets and snuggling on top of me
When you're on your own
When you're at a fork in the road
You don't know which way to go
There's too many signs and arrows
You haven't laughed in a while
When you can't even fake a smile
When you feel ashamed...
The uniform don't make you brave

anne cameron

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2006, 12:34:01 PM »
Nothing insightful to add, just wanted to let you know I'm here, the feelings are those of grief, I think, and the most I can do is share with you my mantra...

hellshitfuckbuggerdamn    hellshitfuckbuggerdamn


top of your voice while bouncing on toes with arms at your sides, stiff, fists clenched.

helps as much as anything else does.

skdadl

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2006, 12:34:12 PM »
I have a few friends -- well, let's call them acquaintances -- who think, and have always thought, that my or anyone else's political interests and activities are grim and depressing and anyone who thinks about those things deserves to be depressed. Seriously. I know people like that.

So I think they're shallow, and they would think I'm grim if they knew the half of it. May there be a grain of truth in their attitude? Maybe. But is it also true that they are shallow and not terribly interesting to know? That too.

Toedancer

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2006, 12:39:39 PM »
Grandma, when divining and failed would dance on her toes and say,

goddamsonuvabitchenbastard! Woo!

I'm going down to the river, dog needs a swim. But you know what?
This travesty of democracy we're living in does need to be discussed.
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

anne cameron

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2006, 12:42:12 AM »
Just back from music night.  I haven't played a note in a month and Debra is just back from radiation therapy so we were low key and a bit "off" but I'll practise tomorrow and Debra is going to come over and teach me "descant". I took violin as a child but had a car accident and got my neck broken , plus head injuries, and as a consequence all the lessons were wiped.  Can't read music, I try , try, try and...just doesn't stick so it's all "by ear" (and a lot of by guess and by golly).  If I can HEAR it I can often find it so Debra is going to humm and sing descant and I'm going to try to follow on my violin.

Does anyone know anything about violins?  Are there any luthiers out there?  My violin is old, old, old and unusually decorated, has mother of pearl inlay on the back, ebony inserts around her beautiful body, quite unique and someone has removed the traditional tuning pegs and substituted what look to be tuners from a mandolin (or something).  She is gorgeous, she holds her tune very well, and she LOVES to be around what we out here call "live music".

Right now the snow on the peaks beyond my window is a deep rose red kissed by setting sun and there is ONE cloud in the sky, tinted the colour of the flesh of a ripe plum.    I'm sitting here with tears slickering down my face because every now and again there are moments that are just so beautiful and this rose snow and plum flesh sky is one of those moments.

My resident crow, Corby, followed my car to music night then sat on the porch railing and made happy chittering noises as we played.  She loves music.  Today, for the first time, she had angel food cake and she let it be known she would very much appreciate more, more, more.  She loves spaghetti and chow mein but lives mostly on cat kibble which she shares with her wild rellies.  She has one eye and one leg missing, both on the right side, and no, the cats and dogs do not bother her.

I think yes, we do need to delve deeply into the travesty we are being told is "democracy".  I don't think we ever had much of it and it seems to have been whittled away substantially, particularly since that pack of neo con ditherwits and witherdicks got elected.  I do not feel THIS is the country I thought we were building.  And I don't think we have a truly "left" or "socialist" party in Canada right now, the NDP has moved so far to the middle it feels to me to be where the Cons used to be.  But they've gone so far right they've passed the Libs and are approaching the hordes of the Great Khan.

And yes, we need to discuss, but let's not just trot out party rhetoric or write from a place of blind loyalty, let's truly question and probe.

Toedancer, I wish you could see the sky here tonight.  Wish I could share it with you.  And your aussie.  Do you tease her by calling aussie aussie aussie oy oy oy?

aRoused

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« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2006, 06:07:39 AM »
Quote
I have alot of distractions B, I promise. I research all the content for our site, write all the content, read IW stories, reply, all the housework, all the cooking, all the budgeting, all the gardening/yardwork, seeing the grandgirls, exploring the countryside, meetings with IW groups, and pray for me, I may be involved in a research study at Trent U.

Forgive me, but some of those don't sound like distractions from thinking about politics and the sorry state of the world!  :hug

I'm just finishing up a very stressful project, but I'm fortunate to have a young lady who takes me into the countryside where we talk about building one of these, owning one of these and living like this.

Cheers me up no end.  Your mileage may vary..  :D
Give me a fast ship, for I intend to go in harm\'s way.

skdadl

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Oh Gawd, I'm Depressed
« Reply #13 on: June 29, 2006, 07:01:59 AM »
Log cabins in the UK?!? There are such things?

Glad you're having fun, aRoused.  :)

lagatta

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« Reply #14 on: June 29, 2006, 08:22:18 AM »
I hope that we've made you feel a bit less acutely hopeless, toedancer. I know "cheering someone up" when they have good reason to feel dreadful is not necessarily any favour.

I do strongly disagree with what you said about the Left in your initial post:
Quote
I'm sick of the right and left ideological cores. It doesn't work anymore with the present complex realities we live in. The right wing wants to control our moral choices, the left wants to control our social choices.
Don't quite know what you mean by "social choices"... Like Anne, I think the problem is that the Left is not forthright enough. (Of course we are founding a new party, Québec solidaire, which is certainly forthright, the question is whether or not it will have stamina and make an impact).

Obviously problems are complex, but a lot of the problems I see experienced relate to traditional left and feminist demands: not enough income for basic needs, the food, exercise and security it takes for people to thrive, high and growing education costs, not enough social and material support for people with health problems and their caregivers, a lack of social housing, etc.
" Eure \'Ordnung\' ist auf Sand gebaut. Die Revolution wird sich morgen schon \'rasselnd wieder in die Höhe richten\' und zu eurem Schrecken mit Posaunenklang verkünden: \'Ich war, ich bin, ich werde sein!\' "
Rosa Luxemburg

 

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