Author Topic: shotgun wedding  (Read 57067 times)

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« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2006, 08:43:21 PM »
Wow, congratulations, shaolin. Truly happy for you. So, when is the wedding?

I don't think you are being unreasonable about the menu. However, I don't know what the right thing is to do. Every family is so different.

Mandos

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« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2006, 09:28:52 PM »
I think that if you feel so strongly that way, you should get an all-veg meal.  However, keep in mind that weddings are really for your parents more than anything else, unless you truly elope.

If I ever get married, my "line" would be at speechifying---at least, from no one on my side of the family.  I have good reason not to want speeches my wedding and get irritated at them at other people's weddings.

Dagmar

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« Reply #17 on: August 04, 2006, 01:31:39 AM »
I agree, Shaolin.  You two gotta do your own thing and not listen to the demands of others.  Whose wedding is it anyway?!

Your wedding has to be a reflection of you.  It's the most important day of your life (unless you're me where it is one of 5 most important days of my life.)

All the best to you!!!

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shaolin

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« Reply #18 on: August 04, 2006, 10:31:43 AM »
Eph - it's on the 25th of August.  He arrives in the country on the 17th.

Dagmar - I don't actually think the wedding is going to be the most important day of my life.  I can think of many more important days I've had, and many more important days I hope to have.  

And in that sense, I kind of feel bad about trying to make things my way when it probably is more important to my mom.  But then, since we started thinking about doing this we've talked a lot about making it our own thing, and not going along with stuff just because that's the way it usually works.  So I think I will push a little more on the food issue.  My mother isn't unreasonable and I think she'll probably come round to understanding me.    

One thing I haven't mentioned: my mother told me that it's standard wedding etiquette that you usually give a wedding gift at least equivalent to the cost of your meal at the wedding.  I don't know where she got this from, and I was pretty surprised to hear her say it.  But, she thinks that if that's the case, you need to let people eat what they want to eat.  I said I'd rather not get any gifts, but she didn't like that idea either...

Toedancer

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« Reply #19 on: August 04, 2006, 10:47:20 AM »
Congrats Shoalin, that's mighty brave of you to get married at all.
I've been resisting for 10 years, ha!

Now about the gifts, your mom is right about it being traditional, it does not have to be equivalent to cost of meal.  BUT what my son-in-law did was he went to a shop that sells beautiful polished stones in lots of different colours/markings. Each guest received one wrapped in very pretty cloth bag with ribbon. That was it and only rude people opened before getting home.

Lots more ideas out there I'm sure. Your mom will hate that idea, but his mom and I loved it. Shells/worry stones etc. I cleverly worked the stone into their wedding picture frame. There are lots of wonderful, natural gifts you can buy that won't cost a fortune.
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

shaolin

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« Reply #20 on: August 04, 2006, 10:51:00 AM »
Sorry toedancer - I wasn't very clear.  What I meant is that the guests usually give the couple a gift equivalent to the cost of the meal they've been served.  It doesn't make a lot of sense to me (like, how do they know something like that before they attend the wedding and why don't they just give what they want to give?), but there you go.  She thinks we've gotta give the people the flesh they crave, since they'll be stuffing money in an envelope for us.

Toedancer

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« Reply #21 on: August 04, 2006, 11:10:11 AM »
Quote from: shaolin
Sorry toedancer - I wasn't very clear.  What I meant is that the guests usually give the couple a gift equivalent to the cost of the meal they've been served.


Okay I've never heard of that, not ever. At my first wedding I received gifts from people like a crock pot to an entire wine collection from someone's cellar.

I don't think even Emily Post would have heard or suggested such a thing.
Me thinks your mom is making it up so you will go for the meat. That's quite the equation - more meat/better gifts. I'm stumped Shoalin, good luck.
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

Debra

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« Reply #22 on: August 04, 2006, 11:24:40 AM »
Quote
Gifts are properly sent to the couple’s home before the wedding or up to one year afterward. This way, the newlyweds needn’t worry about renting a truck to cart the gifts home, and you have a year to make sure that the marriage will take. This is a handy thing to know.

The horrible idea that the price of one’s wedding gift should roughly equate to what the bride and groom spent on your dinner is untrue, but it continues to be propagated by people who spend too much on their weddings. On the other hand, a guest’s transportation to the wedding doesn’t count as a gift to the couple. So cough up that toaster, buddy.

Also false is the notion that guests must choose a gift from the couple’s registry. While registries are helpful for those who don’t know the couple’s tastes, it is a compliment if a guest takes the time to pick something more personal – even if that something is yet another crystal flower vase.

story
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brebis noire

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« Reply #23 on: August 04, 2006, 11:25:46 AM »
Quote from: shaolin
Sorry toedancer - I wasn't very clear.  What I meant is that the guests usually give the couple a gift equivalent to the cost of the meal they've been served.  It doesn't make a lot of sense to me (like, how do they know something like that before they attend the wedding and why don't they just give what they want to give?), but there you go.  She thinks we've gotta give the people the flesh they crave, since they'll be stuffing money in an envelope for us.


Most weddings I've been to in Quebec have been low-budget affairs - it's not a tradition here for families to foot the bill for lavish weddings, at least in my experience and observation. A lot of people don't even bother with a wedding simply because of the expense aspect. I've known some people who decide to have a party wedding at some point along the way, but most never get around to it.  There has of course been a lot of upheaval over the past two generations or so re marriage and weddings, but I think the traditional large family and poverty thing had a lasting effect on tradition.

So basically, everthing I've seen recently has been "anything goes." My SIL got married this summer (second marriage for both of them) and they had a reception with a huge and varied cold buffet. I think the only meat was sliced meat, but not a huge amount.  There was no sense of obligation with regard to gifts or comparing the wedding reception outlay. It was a real party - she left a tonne of small gifts for guests, there was a pinata and other fun things for the kids. I very much appreciated her attention to kids...she's an early childhood educator, and always thinks of the children, though she doesn't want any herself.

But I know from my mum's descriptions of weddings she's attended over the years that there are many unspoken and fixed traditions in English Canada; I imagine they can be tricky to navigate.

I'm just blathering on here, but maybe you could specify in the invite that the reception meal will be vegetarian only, so that your mum can relax re guests' expectations....
I figure, as long as there's lots to drink - isn't that what wedding guests truly crave?  :wink:

If I were invited to a veg reception, I would find it original, intriguing, and ultimately quite pleasant (as long as I wouldn't have to eat tofu. That is what non-vegetarians truly fear. :) )

alisea

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« Reply #24 on: August 04, 2006, 11:39:41 AM »
Congrats Shaolin! And good luck with The Meal Debate.

*thread drift*

The best wedding I ever went to was over on Prince Edward Island. The bride was a landscape architect from an Old Ottawa Family; the groom was an architect originally from Denmark, via a stint in Boston. They had a huge Newfoundland dog named Lucy.

They were married in the 80s, in a small stone church not far from the old farmland they'd bought near the sea, and the reception was in and around an old circus tent that they had strung from the 6 reused telephone poles that were forming the outside structure of the summer house they were building. It was a glorious July day, high summer, the meadow full of flowers, and it was a potluck that began in mid-afternoon. There were a couple of hundred people, a wild eclectic mix of Come From Aways (draft dodgers, back to the landers, artists and writers and others who'd chosen the Island), local folk who'd taken K and O under their wings, musicians, planners, architects, and families.

People ate and drank and Lucy wore a necklace of daisies and lay at what passed for the head table, and as the sun went down the guitars and fiddles came out and people danced under the stars and the moon. And K and O glowed, and the food was wonderful, and 20 years later I still smile when I think of that day.

(They are still together, still on the Island, and their only child graduated from high school this year, a stunningly handsome lad.)
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fern hill

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« Reply #25 on: August 12, 2006, 07:11:35 PM »
We've got pregnant BnRers, we got about-to-be-married BnRers. I'm one of the latter. OK, so, we went to get the application form at City Hall. I had already sussed this on the interweb, but there it was in b&w, he had to present his divorce decree.  He says he doesn't know where this might be. Today, I'm at his place and he has 'look for divorce decree' on his todo list. He has two ideas of where it might be. One under bed, one requiring a ladder. He pulled out stuff from under bed. Sighed. Decided he'd better run to the beer store. Came back from beer store. Looked at stuff again, decided he'd better vacuum it first. Vacuumed. Then decided he should start the fire for BBQ.

That's what he's doing, starting the fire. I'm finding this interesting to watch.

Toedancer

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« Reply #26 on: August 12, 2006, 07:23:50 PM »
Fern, to be fair, I haven't a clue where my divorce papers are. Rilly.

I know where SO's are though. hee-hee

So if I theoretically did say yes to the 500 offers or so over the years, I'd be doing what your SO is doing too.
"Democracy is not the law of the majority, it's the protection of the minority." -Albert Camus 1913-1960

skdadl

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« Reply #27 on: August 13, 2006, 07:15:27 AM »
The papers, the papers, where are the papers ...   :panic

I've never needed the divorce decree, but there is a mountain of other docs I've needed. For years I've been wearing an enormous purse, one of those messenger bags, because I had to have the docs on me at all times -- passports, citizenship, PA, marriage licence, birth certificates ... argh. I have been a walking filing cabinet.

The one advantage of that has been that I knew, all that time, where the papers were. Do I know now? Wellllll ... they are ... somewhere in this room.

For some reason, when she turned 65 and was applying for something, Thorfinn's ex was required to produce their divorce decree and couldn't find her copy, so she wrote to him asking for a copy of his. Now, the last thing anyone would have expected of Thorfinn would have been a good filing system, and yet that is one thing he had always taken care to maintain -- a small folder with all the ancient docs in it. The rest of the papers were in chaos, but the docs were secure. So he happily complied. It was a good exchange, after all those years.

Gotta get a new passport. New passport requires all those other papers. Where are they?   :panic

fern hill

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« Reply #28 on: August 13, 2006, 12:10:25 PM »
Sweetie went up the ladder, found a whack of old papers, and has now gone strangely quiet. I hear pages being turned. No 'Eurekas!'

fern hill

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« Reply #29 on: August 13, 2006, 12:10:38 PM »
double post *sigh*

 

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